With Marvel Comics, one of the hallmarks of superhero comics is the inevitable triumph of the heroes. Some victories are epic, sitting in the public zeitgeist as a legendary conclusion to a legendary story. Some are embarrassing and ridiculous enough to have someone look at them and say, “That’s just dumb.”
These victories may be in a comedy or involving comic relief characters. They could be a case of a mighty hero having trouble with a foe that should be easy to beat. They can also have an unconventional or anticlimactic ending. These are the stories that may just hurt the readers’ brains.
10/10 Marvel Made A Laughable Foe Look Like A Tough Opponent For The Thing
The Thing #7 by John Byrne, Ron Wilson, Hilary Barta, Bob Sharen, Clem Robins & Rick Parker
In 1984, Assistant Editors Month was an event where all of Marvel’s assistant editors “took over” titles when their bosses left town. At the very least, there was an acknowledgment in the form of the cover corner box used by Marvel. In the extreme, the comics were overly humorous.
In The Thing #7, the first story featured Ben Grimm battling a bank robber with giant footwear called Goody-Two-Shoes. It’s revealed in the comic’s second story that the battle only involved a flick of the Thing’s finger. The first story was an exaggeration by Marvel Comics in a slow month.
9/10 Captain America Sam Wilson Defeated Dr. Malus After Becoming Cap-Wolf
Captain America: Sam Wilson #3 by Nick Spencer, Daniel Acuña, Mike Choi & Joe Caramagna
“Cap-Wolf” is a legendary story from the ’90s that had Steve Rogers become a werewolf. When Sam Wilson took up the mantle of Captain America, he inherited many of Steve Rogers’s villains. One of those villains was a criminal scientist fixated on superhuman abilities, Dr. Karl Malus.
Dr. Malus had been kidnapping undocumented immigrants and experimenting on them. Then Dr. Malus captured Sam Wilson and mutated him into a new Cap-Wolf. The temporary transformation amused Sam’s ally, Misty Knight, much to Sam’s chagrin. Despite this ridiculous turn of events, Sam and Misty charged in and defeated Dr. Malus’ hybrids, including some resembling familiar ninja turtles.
8/10 Hercules Defeated The Blood Brothers But Lost His Costume
Avengers #252 by Roger Stern, Bob Hall, Joe Sinnott, Jim Novak & Christie Scheele
As part of his plan to bring peace to Earth, the Vision sent the Avengers to one of Thanos’s abandoned bases in Arizona. There, the U.S. Army was trying to study the equipment. Two scientists activated a teleporter without knowing what it was.
A pair of alien powerhouses called the Blood Brothers emerged from the teleporter, and they quickly pounded Hercules into the floor. Before they could kill Captain America and the Scarlet Witch, Hercules recovered and defeated the bruisers. Unfortunately, the battle rendered his costume indecent, forcing him to borrow the Scarlet Witch’s cape to cover up.
7/10 Spider-Man Had To Stop His Own Spider-Mobile
Amazing Spider-Man #160 by Len Wein, Ross Andru, Mike Esposito, Glynis Wein & Joe Rosen
The Spider-Mobile remains one of the legends of the Bronze Age. Spider-Man had been loaned a themed dune buggy to promote a car company, but it wound up sinking into the Hudson River. Suddenly it was back, trying to kill Spider-Man, with no one behind the wheel. When Police Officers saw it lurking around the corner, it looked like something out of a cartoon.
It turned out that the criminal inventor known as the Tinkerer had salvaged the Spider-Mobile, making a few changes, so it acted like one of Spidey’s ex-girlfriends. Spider-Man stopped the villain, wrecking the Spider-Mobile in the process. Afterward, Spidey returned the demolished Spider-Mobile to the advertising firm that loaned him the car.
6/10 Professor X Defeated Eye-Scream By Adjusting The Thermostat.
Obnoxio the Clown vs. the X-Men #1 by Alan Kupperberg
Outside of canon, the mutant criminal known as Eye-Scream could turn himself into various flavors of ice cream. He took advantage of Obnoxio the Clown showing up at Xavier’s School for Kitty Pryde’s birthday to try destroying the X-Men. His presence overloaded Cerebro, taking out Professor X before he could let the X-Men know about Obnoxio’s visit.
While the X-Men battled Obnoxio, Eye-Scream activated the Danger Room. He didn’t realize that Professor X had regained consciousness and was thwarting his attack. Charles Xavier lowered the temperature of the Danger Room’s Control Room until it rendered Eye-Scream a frozen block of ice.
5/10 Warlock Beat The Impossible Man By Changing Color
New Mutants Annual #3 by Chris Claremont, Alan Davis, Paul Neary, Tom Orzechowski & Glynis Oliver
The Impossible Man showed up at Xavier’s School to entertain himself with the X-Men again, but only the New Mutants were home. They refused to play with the Impossible Man. However, his taunts eventually reached Warlock, and the two shape-shifters went on a worldwide tour battling in different forms.
The New Mutants followed, trying to stop Warlock and Impossible Man from causing collateral damage. Eventually, the team figured out a way for Warlock to win. All the alien mutant had to do was demonstrate his ability to change color. The Impossible Man could only use his green-and-purple color scheme and sank into childish defeat.
4/10 The Skrulls Were Scared Away When They Thought Comic Books Were Real
Fantastic Four #2 (January 1962) by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, George Klein & Stan Goldberg
The first appearance of the Skrulls saw them impersonate and discredit the Fantastic Four. The heroes escaped military imprisonment and hatched a plan to defeat the Skrulls. Using the Human Torch as a decoy, the four Skrulls on Earth were no match for the Fantastic Four.
Impersonating the Skrulls, the Fantastic Four journeyed to the waiting Skrull ship in orbit. Reed Richards presented clippings from Johnny Storm’s comics as photos of Earth’s various defenses. The Skrulls fled Earth, and Reed Richards hypnotized the Earthbound Skrulls into believing they were ordinary cows.
3/10 Thanos Was Beaten To The Cosmic Cube By A Child
Spidey Super-Stories #39 by Nick Sullivan, Michael Siporin, Jim Salicrup, David Anthony Kraft, Win Mortimer & Mike Esposito
Spidey Super-Stories was written for younger readers and was a cross-promotion with the television show The Electric Company. In the comic, Spider-Man would team up with various Marvel heroes to thwart various Marvel villains in simplistic stories.
Then came the story with the legendary Thanos-Copter, flown by Thanos himself. Thanos was battling the superhero the Cat, known today as Tigra, for the Cosmic Cube. He had even snatched it from a boy that came across it. Thanos looked to have the upper hand on Spider-Man and the Cat, but his manipulation of the ground tripped him, causing him to drop the Cube. The boy picked it up and captured Thanos.
2/10 An Empty Baxter Building Defeated The Trapster
Fantastic Four #265 by John Byrne, Mike Higgins & Glynis Wein
One of the most entertaining stories of John Byrne’s run on The Fantastic Four didn’t involve the heroes at all. The villain known as the Trapster, formerly Paste-Pot Pete, broke into the Baxter Building. Unknown to him, no one was home in the Fantastic Four’s five floors of the building.
The security system that Reed Richards had installed followed the Trapster through the building, even deactivating his glue gun. The villain panicked when he realized the security system monitored his activities. Making his way to the lobby, Trapster tried taking their receptionist hostage, unaware she was a robot. She rendered the Trapster unconscious and called the police.
1/10 The Unknown Super Hero Fought Armed Robbers
Amazing Spider-Man #258 by Tom DeFalco, Ron Frenz, Joe Rubinstein, Joe Rosen & Bob Sharen
Reed Richards was the one to discover the alien nature of Spider-Man’s black costume. With the symbiote captured, Peter Parker was left to get home without exposing his secret identity. Johnny Storm provided a spare Fantastic Four costume, but since they didn’t wear masks, he cut holes out of a paper bag.
On the way home, Spider-Man stopped a gun battle between armed robbers and police. He struggled to keep the bag on his head, but prevailed. The news plastered the fight on its evening coverage, calling him “the Unknown Super Hero.”
